One night last winter, my roommate’s cousin, visiting from New York, sat down in our living room and started asking questions. I had never met someone so immediately perceptive. He could intuit my insecurities and emotional wounds and wasn’t afraid to ask about them. I spent a few minutes in the hot seat, then he took a turn with the rest of the group, giving me a chance to stop sweating and let my heart rate come down.
Then he asked us collectively, “What are you thinking about?”
When I think about this question, when I’ve been asked and when I’ve done the asking, I usually imagine the inquirer wants to know someone’s thoughts at that precise moment. Like when I’m lying in bed with someone after having a hookup and I ask that question hoping they’re thinking about me (but instead they’re thinking about a frustration at work or that crooked picture on the wall or whether the sex was worth the lost sleep).
But the more interesting, meaningful way to interpret that question is by zooming out in time and scale: What are you thinking about generally? This month? This year? When you can’t sleep? When you first wake up?
When I pay attention to my thoughts, it becomes obvious that they follow patterns. They arrive in themes. They are painted through my mind in broad brush strokes; I can sense them coming on, but I am far less aware of when they leave me, until I have the same kinds of thoughts again and they feel familiar, like a texture: thick shag carpet thoughts I can luxuriate in or blown ceiling thoughts I get stuck in or the quick slippery teflon thoughts that leave as quick as they arrive.
I think about relationships all the time, why some work, why each of mine have failed. I think about identity and the titles and characteristics we claim for ourselves and why they matter. I think about the transitions occurring in our country and what it means to go backward. I think about bodies and how it feels to live in them, how they change, how we force them to change, and how we make peace.
What are the recurring themes of your thoughts? What do you come back to? What won’t leave you?
I have two reoccurring thoughts, both rooted in anxiety about the future. The first is related to weddings. I am getting to the age where many of my friends are getting married and every time I go to a wedding festivity I start to feel anxious about feeling anxious in the future when it is one day my turn. What if I feel very unnatural in the process? Is that a sign that marriage is not for me? Or that my current partner isn't the right person? It kind of just all spirals...
Another reoccurring thought I can't shake lately is related to an big upcoming move I have. I am moving across the world in about a month for an extended period of time and I am constantly worried about the loneliness that will ensue. I will be leaving everyone I know and love. The anxious thoughts are only getting more pronounced as I get closer to the moving date. I keep reminding myself I worked hard to be able to do this and discomfort is expected with so much change.
A recurring thought I keep having is that I want to get better at doing things by myself. It’s not that I don’t like being by myself— in fact, I really love it. It’s more that I’ve realized I don’t trust myself to problem solve in the moment without someone else present. When I’m alone, I tend to panic and get overwhelmed, even by smaller things. I think it’s important to feel like I am capable of doing things independently and remembering that I am a competent person with or without other people.
In the same vein, I remind myself a lot about the spotlight effect, thinking that other people perceive every little thing I do. As much as I do try to take that to heart that people don’t really care what I do, I think about all the times I have witnessed small things strangers did that I found silly or awkward or embarrassing, and it becomes hard not to assume that the same has happened to me.
Identity is big for me. My dad was adopted, and so there's this huge gap of, "Who am I? Why am I like this? Why do I look like this?" beyond the spawn of my brown, mixed bag mother. Politics hits a lot- always caught between wanting to effect change and feeling powerless; feeling disheartened by the lack of nuanced conversations. And writing for sure- wanting to see everyone I love win and do big things. The uncertainty of my own future in the writing world, which I've grown to embrace and find comforting somehow? haha.
Jul 1, 2022·edited Jul 1, 2022Liked by Kate Raphael
I'm thinking how people can't step up and do anything if they feel hopeless. When you're hopeless, you feel powerless, and have no fight left in you.
This worries me because the 24 hr media cycle is usually a barrage of immensely heavy stuff, cherry-picking the worst of the worst (yay for negativity bias!) and loading it all on our shoulders, usually without telling us what we can do about it as individuals. The result of that? We get crushed. And when you're crushed, you can't push back - which allows the worst things and the worst people in the world to flourish.
So I'm thinking we need better stories that the raw news tells us, and we need to be reminded that the world (and most of the people in it) are a lot nicer and a lot more interesting - *on average* - than the news leads us to believe. I'm working on the latter with my newsletter (I hope I am, anyway). I have no idea what the solution is with the former. It's a real tangle. But it has to start with moving away from our current default of point-scoring and performative yelling, which does nothing except make everyone feel worse.
I’m in the beginning of another cycle where I get depressed and hopeless about what is and what’s to come. I’ve been thinking a lot about giving up and laying still, letting everything burn down around me. It’s one of those dark places I have to wade through and see when I come out the other side.
When I first started at the airline I work for, it was at one of the most senior stations on the system. I'd left a regional carrier where we were all in our early 20's--heck, the pilots were only a few years older-- and gone to one staffed by my grandparents. To be sure, the guys (and in those days, it was 95% men) were great, but it was a culture shock that never really left me. And in aviation, there's always a divide between senior/junior agents. Nothing bad, just the lens you're seen through.
Now, I find myself in the weird spot of being the senior person in my station. I work with people born after I was hired. When a good song comes on, someone tells me their parents play it in the car. Not too long ago, a guy that used to work here came back on an assignment, looked around and said, "you know, we're the old guys now" and I can't shake it.
In my head, I still think I'm that 22 year old that clocked in for the first time. But I'm also at the point where every time I go on vacation it serves as a dry run for retirement. Those 2 opposing lines of thought banging around in my head makes for some wild dissonance.
One thing I'm obsessed with, and which I try to illustrate in my writing (shameless plug) is shattering the notion of societal fate. I get the sense people hear devastating news, such as the overturning of Roe or accelerating climate catastrophe, and shrug their shoulders, thinking "everything will turn out okay."
I REALLY want people to understand that the world is what we make of it, everyone is fallible (even our leaders who we see on TV), and that if we just expect society to culminate in peaceful utopia, we'll never obtain it.
I have two reoccurring thoughts, both rooted in anxiety about the future. The first is related to weddings. I am getting to the age where many of my friends are getting married and every time I go to a wedding festivity I start to feel anxious about feeling anxious in the future when it is one day my turn. What if I feel very unnatural in the process? Is that a sign that marriage is not for me? Or that my current partner isn't the right person? It kind of just all spirals...
Another reoccurring thought I can't shake lately is related to an big upcoming move I have. I am moving across the world in about a month for an extended period of time and I am constantly worried about the loneliness that will ensue. I will be leaving everyone I know and love. The anxious thoughts are only getting more pronounced as I get closer to the moving date. I keep reminding myself I worked hard to be able to do this and discomfort is expected with so much change.
A recurring thought I keep having is that I want to get better at doing things by myself. It’s not that I don’t like being by myself— in fact, I really love it. It’s more that I’ve realized I don’t trust myself to problem solve in the moment without someone else present. When I’m alone, I tend to panic and get overwhelmed, even by smaller things. I think it’s important to feel like I am capable of doing things independently and remembering that I am a competent person with or without other people.
In the same vein, I remind myself a lot about the spotlight effect, thinking that other people perceive every little thing I do. As much as I do try to take that to heart that people don’t really care what I do, I think about all the times I have witnessed small things strangers did that I found silly or awkward or embarrassing, and it becomes hard not to assume that the same has happened to me.
Identity is big for me. My dad was adopted, and so there's this huge gap of, "Who am I? Why am I like this? Why do I look like this?" beyond the spawn of my brown, mixed bag mother. Politics hits a lot- always caught between wanting to effect change and feeling powerless; feeling disheartened by the lack of nuanced conversations. And writing for sure- wanting to see everyone I love win and do big things. The uncertainty of my own future in the writing world, which I've grown to embrace and find comforting somehow? haha.
I'm thinking how people can't step up and do anything if they feel hopeless. When you're hopeless, you feel powerless, and have no fight left in you.
This worries me because the 24 hr media cycle is usually a barrage of immensely heavy stuff, cherry-picking the worst of the worst (yay for negativity bias!) and loading it all on our shoulders, usually without telling us what we can do about it as individuals. The result of that? We get crushed. And when you're crushed, you can't push back - which allows the worst things and the worst people in the world to flourish.
So I'm thinking we need better stories that the raw news tells us, and we need to be reminded that the world (and most of the people in it) are a lot nicer and a lot more interesting - *on average* - than the news leads us to believe. I'm working on the latter with my newsletter (I hope I am, anyway). I have no idea what the solution is with the former. It's a real tangle. But it has to start with moving away from our current default of point-scoring and performative yelling, which does nothing except make everyone feel worse.
As you can tell, I'm super-fun.
I’m in the beginning of another cycle where I get depressed and hopeless about what is and what’s to come. I’ve been thinking a lot about giving up and laying still, letting everything burn down around me. It’s one of those dark places I have to wade through and see when I come out the other side.
When I first started at the airline I work for, it was at one of the most senior stations on the system. I'd left a regional carrier where we were all in our early 20's--heck, the pilots were only a few years older-- and gone to one staffed by my grandparents. To be sure, the guys (and in those days, it was 95% men) were great, but it was a culture shock that never really left me. And in aviation, there's always a divide between senior/junior agents. Nothing bad, just the lens you're seen through.
Now, I find myself in the weird spot of being the senior person in my station. I work with people born after I was hired. When a good song comes on, someone tells me their parents play it in the car. Not too long ago, a guy that used to work here came back on an assignment, looked around and said, "you know, we're the old guys now" and I can't shake it.
In my head, I still think I'm that 22 year old that clocked in for the first time. But I'm also at the point where every time I go on vacation it serves as a dry run for retirement. Those 2 opposing lines of thought banging around in my head makes for some wild dissonance.
One thing I'm obsessed with, and which I try to illustrate in my writing (shameless plug) is shattering the notion of societal fate. I get the sense people hear devastating news, such as the overturning of Roe or accelerating climate catastrophe, and shrug their shoulders, thinking "everything will turn out okay."
I REALLY want people to understand that the world is what we make of it, everyone is fallible (even our leaders who we see on TV), and that if we just expect society to culminate in peaceful utopia, we'll never obtain it.