Welcome to the second edition of Chat Pack. We did the first one about a month ago. Moving forward, I’ll plan to host a discussion thread like this every fourth Friday. The next one will be May 5th. If there’s something in particular you wanna chat about, drop me a line at katherine.p.raphael@gmail.com.
Today’s topic: Compliments
Several years ago, I was sitting at a kitchen table drinking with two friends and a guy I’d just starting seeing. We’d all been playing a game on slips of paper (Game of Things, I think) but we were winding down, and a small pile of blank paper slips remained on the table. I was tipsy and giddy and, suddenly overcome with an idea: I said, “Let’s all write each other compliments!”
I was motivated to say this largely so that I could tell the guy I was seeing that I’d already fallen for him. As I was about to put my pen to paper and spill my heart out, I stole a glance at what he was writing to me and saw that it said, “You have great eyebrows.”
It was a sweet note, totally appropriate given what I’d asked everyone to do. And I love my eyebrows. They are one part of my body I have never wished to be different. But I was also quietly disappointed. I wanted him to write anything else. Anything about the me that was not my body.
Once I’d seen the note, I couldn’t pour my heart out, and I was glad I hadn’t started to. So instead I wrote something of the same genre and magnitude he’d written to me: “Your cheekbones are divine” and slid the paper over to him.
The slip from my best friend said, “If I could choose my twin, it would be you every time” and I melted. Her boyfriend had written to me: “You’re not as nice as you want to be.” (I think that was supposed to be a compliment.)
I took the slips home, and I’ve kept them for years. They sit in a little ceramic dish on my dresser, and though I have made a point of getting rid of quite a lot of paper I’ve hoarded, I simply cannot get rid of these—some of the best and the weirdest notes and anyone has written to me.
What’s the best or worst or weirdest compliment someone has given you? Or what’s the compliment you’ve never received but wish you had? What’s your reaction to compliments? Your relationship to giving and receiving them?
I sometimes receive compliments about my looks from friends or people i’ve known for a while, but they’re usually accommodated by “for a X type of person”. For instance they’d say you have big eyes for an Asian or you’re very smart as a foreign student which I’m supposed to say thank you as a response, and I always did. I’d go home and thought back to those moments and went damn these are more insulting than flattering.
But often I find that people don’t think much before they give out compliments, or a comment of any sort.
Best compliments: taxi driver taking me from Harlem to airport in 1980 who thought I was Gloria Steinem; being told I was the bravest person they knew as they asked if I’d accompany them for an unimaginable night with the Jesuits in England; being told 55 years later that I was the most fun girl in grade school, always willing to play wild games with the boys. Worst: for years whenever someone greeted me after a long absence, they exclaimed that I’d lost weight (when my weight had been stable for many years), which I attribute to a mix of their regarding it as a high compliment for any woman/person as well as how I carried myself as a woman who wasn’t comfortable with her body. Compliments are so hard these days, it’s so loaded to comment on anyone’s appearance, given so many legitimate sensitivities and mine fields—somewhat awkward greetings often carry the day.
Okay this is more of a thought/ramble than an answer. Read this post this morning and brought up the topic with my friend while we were waiting for our train. The examples she gave of compliments she didn’t like were “when people tell me I’m so tall” and “when people tell me I’m so smiley.” This struck me as weird, since these are compliments that many people (including myself) would find flattering. But these are things she is self-conscious about. They are her insecurities (thinking she’s too tall and that she looks goofy or dumb being smiley). It got me thinking about how compliments can be skewed in our heads and often serve to affirm feelings we already have about ourselves. For me, if I get dressed up and am having a day when I feel pretty and good, I feel affirmed if someone compliments me. But if I go out and am feeling like I don’t look good or just not feeling confident, I don’t think a compliment would change this. I probably wouldn’t believe or internalize the compliment. I wonder why it’s so hard for compliments to make us feel good, and so much easier for them to make us feel bad (at least with my small sample size). Something for me to think about how to work on probably haha.
I was recently at the ophthalmologist. While sat in the chair, I was bombarded by compliments in Spanish as the doctor zoomed in and complimented my irises to high hell. It was nice of her but the extent to which she went off left me a little lacking in my ability to be gracious en español. I walked out of the appointment a little stunned until I realised that most of her clients, as well as a majority of Spain, have brown eyes. So for her, it was a rare occasion. One of my dead giveaways as a foreigner turned out to be the highlight of somebody’s day. A strange feeling!
Re: eyebrows, when I was 19, I went to Mexico with my grandmother, and we were walking through a market when a man came up to me and proposed marriage. He said it was because he loved my eyebrows. I was shocked and embarrassed, but I couldn't help but be a little flattered. He also said he had a large ranch on (in?) the Yucatan and we would be very happy. Sliding doors...
My favorite compliment was when some dude was hitting on me in a bar in Missoula (where I went to college) and I blew him off quickly, and my friend said, "You have the best fuck-off vibes of anyone I've ever met."
I sometimes receive compliments about my looks from friends or people i’ve known for a while, but they’re usually accommodated by “for a X type of person”. For instance they’d say you have big eyes for an Asian or you’re very smart as a foreign student which I’m supposed to say thank you as a response, and I always did. I’d go home and thought back to those moments and went damn these are more insulting than flattering.
But often I find that people don’t think much before they give out compliments, or a comment of any sort.
Best compliments: taxi driver taking me from Harlem to airport in 1980 who thought I was Gloria Steinem; being told I was the bravest person they knew as they asked if I’d accompany them for an unimaginable night with the Jesuits in England; being told 55 years later that I was the most fun girl in grade school, always willing to play wild games with the boys. Worst: for years whenever someone greeted me after a long absence, they exclaimed that I’d lost weight (when my weight had been stable for many years), which I attribute to a mix of their regarding it as a high compliment for any woman/person as well as how I carried myself as a woman who wasn’t comfortable with her body. Compliments are so hard these days, it’s so loaded to comment on anyone’s appearance, given so many legitimate sensitivities and mine fields—somewhat awkward greetings often carry the day.
One night after a work party, we went to Denny's (yeah, I know). On my way to the bathroom, the security guard told me I looked like Mark Ruffalo.
Hands down the weirdest compliment I've ever received.
Okay this is more of a thought/ramble than an answer. Read this post this morning and brought up the topic with my friend while we were waiting for our train. The examples she gave of compliments she didn’t like were “when people tell me I’m so tall” and “when people tell me I’m so smiley.” This struck me as weird, since these are compliments that many people (including myself) would find flattering. But these are things she is self-conscious about. They are her insecurities (thinking she’s too tall and that she looks goofy or dumb being smiley). It got me thinking about how compliments can be skewed in our heads and often serve to affirm feelings we already have about ourselves. For me, if I get dressed up and am having a day when I feel pretty and good, I feel affirmed if someone compliments me. But if I go out and am feeling like I don’t look good or just not feeling confident, I don’t think a compliment would change this. I probably wouldn’t believe or internalize the compliment. I wonder why it’s so hard for compliments to make us feel good, and so much easier for them to make us feel bad (at least with my small sample size). Something for me to think about how to work on probably haha.
Weirdest: I was voted "most likely to live in Dartmouth" (my hometown), which pretty much means "you're going to die here" lol
Worst: my little cousin told me I reminded him of Dennis from Always Sunny. Not a compliment.
I was recently at the ophthalmologist. While sat in the chair, I was bombarded by compliments in Spanish as the doctor zoomed in and complimented my irises to high hell. It was nice of her but the extent to which she went off left me a little lacking in my ability to be gracious en español. I walked out of the appointment a little stunned until I realised that most of her clients, as well as a majority of Spain, have brown eyes. So for her, it was a rare occasion. One of my dead giveaways as a foreigner turned out to be the highlight of somebody’s day. A strange feeling!
Re: eyebrows, when I was 19, I went to Mexico with my grandmother, and we were walking through a market when a man came up to me and proposed marriage. He said it was because he loved my eyebrows. I was shocked and embarrassed, but I couldn't help but be a little flattered. He also said he had a large ranch on (in?) the Yucatan and we would be very happy. Sliding doors...
My favorite compliment was when some dude was hitting on me in a bar in Missoula (where I went to college) and I blew him off quickly, and my friend said, "You have the best fuck-off vibes of anyone I've ever met."
Best compliment: “your sweat tastes really good.” From lupin.