If you’ve been following along, you know that I just moved across the country and am settling into my new life in Berkeley, California. Of course, I’m excited to be here. And of course I wanted this, worked hard for it. But I’m always thrown for a loop when I have to navigate any major life transitions. I hate change!
I didn’t really acknowledge until I got out here that packing up my life and dumping it somewhere new requires me to build a lot of things from scratch—it takes work and energy and time to create the communities and relationships that make me feel held and at home. I was talking to an old friend over pizza the other night about the people we know who are “good at transitions” and how we both feel so unmoored by something as small as coming back from a trip. (My mom calls this, “re-entry.” She’ll call after I’ve been away and say, “How’s re-entry going?” It is never going better than "okay.”)
But recently, I’ve been trying to convince myself that I have navigated all these much smaller transitions over the last few years, and sometimes, the smaller changes can be just as destabilizing, and, eventually, as gratifying when we do figure out the rhythms and patterns of our new lives. I’ve figured out how to handle new jobs, new apartments, new living situations, coworkers leaving, new friends, old friends moving, different coffee orders, breakups, new flames. So I’m pretending I’m well prepared to handle this big move because of everything I’ve already experienced.
What transitions (big or small) are you navigating right now? How are you adjusting? What’s your reaction to change? Tell me your secrets or commiserate about what’s hard!
Aug 27, 2022·edited Aug 27, 2022Liked by Kate Raphael
In exactly 6 days, my oldest son will start his senior year of HS. And in 6 days a whole slew of things that have defined his (our) lives will start happening for the last time.
Last first day of school
Last HS soccer season
Last prom
etc.
And right on the heels of that will be whatever the next stage of his live might entail. It's exactly what is supposed to happen...and I am 100% NOT ready for any of it.
I get very sentimental about last things, so I relate! Sometimes I create an expectation that knowing an ending is coming will make me more prepared for it, but it usually just means I allow myself to wallow for longer (ha!).
Congrats to your son--I hope he has a fabulous senior year, and that the next stage, whatever it entails, is even better.
My situation is similar to yours, as I moved 2k miles away from home. While I'm feeling much more stable now, it took a while to adjust. My strategy was: "Brace for impact."
Previously, I'd expect changes to be smooth sailing, which is never the case. For this time, I accepted that it was going to bumpy, and trusted I'd be able to get through. When discomfort came, I was able to accept it and realize it was okay to be uncomfortable. Hope this helps!
Anticipating and accepting the discomfort is definitely key. Can’t say I’m always ready to implement it, no matter how much distress tolerance work I’ve done (lol) but acknowledging that it’s okay for it to be a bumpy adjustment is a good start.
I'm making a big transition from being a full-time worker to mostly retired and from owning a home with a large yard to a condo with none and lots of amenities. What do I want to do? I'm also preparing to travel for a month with all the organizing and transitions that entails. I find that if I can find where I want to shop, it helps me acclimate. I also need to take time to be conscious of all these transitions. I've learned from yoga to consciously transition from pose to pose. That is true with all of life from simple transitions such as coming home from being out in the world.
Oh I feel such a home base in having a reliable place to get groceries. And yes, I agree that being conscious and aware of transitions (both small and large) is critical, but easier said than done
HI Kate, thanks for sharing. I can be what you can say as "good at transitioning", I was coicidentally reflecting on my life in the past 3 years and realize I have not been in one place past 10 months. I moved from and to four different cities (the fact that I am from Viet Nam, go to school in Minnesota and now are working in Texas). It's a wild ride and I learn so many things. But now that I have actually beginning to settle into a routine and way of life in TX, it's actually feeling very comfortable and endearing, like I can build my roots here (me talking to soon). One thing that has helped me is the ability to be good with myself: the ability to take care and entertain myself, the ability to bring myself up when I'm sad and absolutely frustrated with life. It's easy to catastrophize when I am young but actually there are many things to be hopeful about, as long as you have good health :) Cheers to new beginnings!
Wow I love this. And I'm impressed by your adaptability. I like the idea of "being good with yourself" rather than the tired advice of "being good *to* yourself." Almost like it's more about working with who you are in that moment and the context of your life at the time rather than forcing yourself to "be kind" when other things feel hard. Hope you continue to settle into your life in Texas. Eager to read more about it. :)
It’ll come as no surprise since we share DNA that I also suck at transitions. I also just moved to a new place, am starting a brand new job/career, am navigating new roommates and new coworkers and new everything. And it is rarely fun. I have little more to offer than some commiseration, but I think it feels best to me if I don’t expect myself to have fun right away. The first days/weeks/months of settling are an investment that will allow me to have fun and success later on. Fun and success may not find me in these days now, but I’m trying to pave the way for it later. But I am also trying harder to celebrate small successes. Before my big sister teaching me to navigate the T in the first city I’ve lived in, I never would have taken the metro by myself for the first time. But I did (and it went great!) because I knew I could because I was trusting the skills and knowledge I gained before. TLDR: it’s hard.
Ugh I hear that! And I love the example of riding public transit. Whenever I navigate a new transit system by myself (which is never that hard, but always feels slightly intimidating), I'm like, "Wow, I can do anything." Look at us, fooling ourselves into doing hard things because we know how to read subway maps.
Well, you certainly come by finding transitions hard naturally. At least internally I have been a complete, raw wreck inside for a good while after moving, every single bloody time. I have typically found preparing and eating good, caring-for-myself food the very hardest, such a naked basic admission that I live here now and must carry on existing--without my friends, routines, favorite places, context. Actually going out and actively navigating a subway system or finding a post office or grocery has always seemed easier by comparison. I think you are doing amazingly well in your new life. Go Kate!
You put that so well; it feels impossible to me at times that life will just continue on without all the people who made my life my life. Recently, it's all been manifesting as my feeling sad that I'm three hours behind so many people I love...that I get up and you're already well into your day, that I go to sleep and you climbed into bed hours ago.
In exactly 6 days, my oldest son will start his senior year of HS. And in 6 days a whole slew of things that have defined his (our) lives will start happening for the last time.
Last first day of school
Last HS soccer season
Last prom
etc.
And right on the heels of that will be whatever the next stage of his live might entail. It's exactly what is supposed to happen...and I am 100% NOT ready for any of it.
I get very sentimental about last things, so I relate! Sometimes I create an expectation that knowing an ending is coming will make me more prepared for it, but it usually just means I allow myself to wallow for longer (ha!).
Congrats to your son--I hope he has a fabulous senior year, and that the next stage, whatever it entails, is even better.
My situation is similar to yours, as I moved 2k miles away from home. While I'm feeling much more stable now, it took a while to adjust. My strategy was: "Brace for impact."
Previously, I'd expect changes to be smooth sailing, which is never the case. For this time, I accepted that it was going to bumpy, and trusted I'd be able to get through. When discomfort came, I was able to accept it and realize it was okay to be uncomfortable. Hope this helps!
Anticipating and accepting the discomfort is definitely key. Can’t say I’m always ready to implement it, no matter how much distress tolerance work I’ve done (lol) but acknowledging that it’s okay for it to be a bumpy adjustment is a good start.
I'm making a big transition from being a full-time worker to mostly retired and from owning a home with a large yard to a condo with none and lots of amenities. What do I want to do? I'm also preparing to travel for a month with all the organizing and transitions that entails. I find that if I can find where I want to shop, it helps me acclimate. I also need to take time to be conscious of all these transitions. I've learned from yoga to consciously transition from pose to pose. That is true with all of life from simple transitions such as coming home from being out in the world.
Oh I feel such a home base in having a reliable place to get groceries. And yes, I agree that being conscious and aware of transitions (both small and large) is critical, but easier said than done
HI Kate, thanks for sharing. I can be what you can say as "good at transitioning", I was coicidentally reflecting on my life in the past 3 years and realize I have not been in one place past 10 months. I moved from and to four different cities (the fact that I am from Viet Nam, go to school in Minnesota and now are working in Texas). It's a wild ride and I learn so many things. But now that I have actually beginning to settle into a routine and way of life in TX, it's actually feeling very comfortable and endearing, like I can build my roots here (me talking to soon). One thing that has helped me is the ability to be good with myself: the ability to take care and entertain myself, the ability to bring myself up when I'm sad and absolutely frustrated with life. It's easy to catastrophize when I am young but actually there are many things to be hopeful about, as long as you have good health :) Cheers to new beginnings!
Wow I love this. And I'm impressed by your adaptability. I like the idea of "being good with yourself" rather than the tired advice of "being good *to* yourself." Almost like it's more about working with who you are in that moment and the context of your life at the time rather than forcing yourself to "be kind" when other things feel hard. Hope you continue to settle into your life in Texas. Eager to read more about it. :)
It’ll come as no surprise since we share DNA that I also suck at transitions. I also just moved to a new place, am starting a brand new job/career, am navigating new roommates and new coworkers and new everything. And it is rarely fun. I have little more to offer than some commiseration, but I think it feels best to me if I don’t expect myself to have fun right away. The first days/weeks/months of settling are an investment that will allow me to have fun and success later on. Fun and success may not find me in these days now, but I’m trying to pave the way for it later. But I am also trying harder to celebrate small successes. Before my big sister teaching me to navigate the T in the first city I’ve lived in, I never would have taken the metro by myself for the first time. But I did (and it went great!) because I knew I could because I was trusting the skills and knowledge I gained before. TLDR: it’s hard.
Ugh I hear that! And I love the example of riding public transit. Whenever I navigate a new transit system by myself (which is never that hard, but always feels slightly intimidating), I'm like, "Wow, I can do anything." Look at us, fooling ourselves into doing hard things because we know how to read subway maps.
Well, you certainly come by finding transitions hard naturally. At least internally I have been a complete, raw wreck inside for a good while after moving, every single bloody time. I have typically found preparing and eating good, caring-for-myself food the very hardest, such a naked basic admission that I live here now and must carry on existing--without my friends, routines, favorite places, context. Actually going out and actively navigating a subway system or finding a post office or grocery has always seemed easier by comparison. I think you are doing amazingly well in your new life. Go Kate!
You put that so well; it feels impossible to me at times that life will just continue on without all the people who made my life my life. Recently, it's all been manifesting as my feeling sad that I'm three hours behind so many people I love...that I get up and you're already well into your day, that I go to sleep and you climbed into bed hours ago.
Well, I’m staying up as late as I can! 😘